“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” Thomas S. Szasz
When we decide to forgive, it often involves past learning and experiences. It makes us think about how we learned to forgive as taught by our parents or caretakers who raised us, along with other adults in authority. I can remember hearing over and over we have to forgive and forget. Well, yes, we must forgive, but we mustn’t forget the occurrences or situations that caused our pain and heartache. Why? Because in doing so, it places us in a position of vulnerability. We can’t protect our self from future grief if we forget what happened to hurt us.
I will give you a simple example. If you keep taking my bag of candy when I leave it on the table at some point, I need to bring it to your attention. You may apologize, and I forgive you, but I need to remember that every time I left the candy on the table, you took it. By remembering I won’t leave it on the table anymore. Yes, I forgive, but I know that you may do the same thing again if the opportunity arises. So, apply that to more serious issues. If infidelity was an issue and I forgave you, I need to remember even though I forgive you, so that I don’t have blinders on my eyes. When one of my female friends need a handyman, I would be foolish to offer the help of my spouse or significant other, unless I was accompanying him.
After forgiveness, I need to protect my heart. Now let’s be transparent don’t bring up the past wrongs, if you do, then there was no forgiveness. When you truly forgive you let go of your right to be angry or hurt anymore. But, you need to be wise. Again, the whole, point of forgiveness is to move forward, so try your best to eliminate anything that gets in the way of progress in the relationship.
Forgiveness takes time. It is a process. Yes, decide to forgive, but take time to go through the process. I remember a friend telling me in so many words that I overlooked situations too quickly. By doing so, offenses occurred again and again. At the time, I was struggling to forgive and believed the offender was sincere in seeking forgiveness. In reality, there was no sincerity and only repeated bad behavior. When I honestly went through the work of forgiving the individual, it did not happen quickly at all, and even though there was no repentance on the other side at the time, I was able to free me from the pain.
How did you learn about forgiveness? What does forgiveness in your life look like to you? Consider these questions as you prepare to forgive whatever has or is causing you heartache, pain, and brokenness. This post is the final one on forgiveness. Hopefully, you can glean something useful from one or all four to help you move toward a more joyful life. Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. Colossians 3: 13. I’ll be back next week with a new post, “Only God can erase!”
Be encouraged, and God bless!
Sister Jackie
Love it…I agree, I think we truly cannot totally forget, we simply try NOT to remember, because I believe that only God can put anything in “the sea of forgetfulness”. If we remember that fire burns, we’ll be careful around it, but, if we forget that fire burns, then we may get burned, even consumed in it. Thank you for this perspective…very thought provoking for me,…i need all the wisdom I can receive!
Looking forward to all that you share with us in this forum.
I love that,”We simply try Not to remember…” That moves us toward healing, but also because we don’t forget we are more vigilant. Everything has it’s place in the healing process. Thank you so much for sharing your words of wisdom!
Oh how I would like to be the naive at times to forgive and forget. It seems like remembering some of the horrible things that someone you loved and trusted did to you is harder to deal with than the actual act of forgiving. I found this interesting statement online describing the sea of forgetfulness and thought I would share it with you. “A sea of forgetfulness represents a place where our sins are sent very far away from us, so that they can no longer affect us. It does not mean that we, as believers, no longer sin or that our sins are erased from God’s mind. It only means that our sins no longer have any bearing on our salvation.” So sister Jackie I say you are spot on by saying we need to free ourselves of the hurt so that it has no bearing on our happiness going forward. I have this motto now, Everyone deserves a second chance, just not with me. I’m learning for me to truly forgive, is to let go and move on, because forgetting is so painful. Sooooooo my husband better be careful! lol 🙂
Yes, remembering can be painful, but mostly when we have not truly forgiven. Forgiveness is so essential to our future state of mind, It’s the ticket to our freedom. Everyone deserves forgiveness, but it’s not a ticket to a second chance in our life , so I understand your thinking. But, in terms of husbands that’s a whole new post 💖 Thank you so much for your introspection on this matter. Your comments are always thought provoking. God bless you.