Today’s topic is from one of my readers. Thank you again to the person who submitted this tough question. You are the first, Yay! When I read it, I said this is a tough question. Relationships can be challenging even when all seems to be going well. But, what about when there is a past that may hold some challenges or issues? I don’t know the background for this question; I am only presenting it.
Let’s say there were issues in your partner’s past that may have been of some concern at that time, or the knowledge thereof presently presents some questions to you. How do you approach the matter with your partner? Do you come right out and ask for explanations, clarifications, and express your need to discuss the matter/s? Do you act like nothing ever happened and never bring the situation/s up in conversation? Do you say the past is the past, and there is no need to look in the rearview mirror of your partner’s life? Do you hold it all in and go along to get along and not stir up anything? Do you take the person’s history as being the past and move forward, because of who they are now? Do you consider ending the relationship at some point because the past is painful to accept? Is there a biblical perspective on the matter? These are the questions I am presenting to you, dear readers, for you to give answers to the author of this question.
Another note to take into consideration is that the relationship is in the serious stage, which I think implies that the two individuals have moved beyond the beginning stage of knowing one another to have developed an advanced relationship. Does this make a difference in whether or not to say anything? So now, dear readers, the ball is in your court. Take it on home and express your thoughts on this matter. As I have previously stated, but for the benefit of someone who may be visiting my blog for the first time, in this series (Tough Questions), I don’t share any experience or give personal thoughts as I present the topic. Readers have the opportunity to express their opinion freely without previous comments on the subject. Don’t forget to submit your tough relationship questions. You can submit your questions anonymously if you choose through my contact page. Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man. Colossians 4:6. I’ll be back next week with a new post, Tough Question: “How Does a Christian Relationship/Marriage Endure Infidelity?”
Be encouraged, and God bless!
Sister Jackie
I have additional questions to consider before sharing my thoughts. Did the person with the spotted past share their past with you up front or did you stumble upon their Checkered past?
If you read the resume or bio of the following men pre-conversion, would you let your daughter date him?
(Paul, Abraham, David). Perhaps David because he had a pretty spotless record prior to becoming a king.
Abraham was an idol worshipper, King David was a murderer and adulterer, Apostle Paul persecuted the saints…. just to name a few.
If the person with the questionable past has shared with you their past early in the relationship, then the ball is in your court; can you truly forgive or let it go without it haunting you throughout your relationship?
If I stumbled upon the past, for me, it really depends on the nature of the past deeds. There is such a broad range of deeds to consider………
Was it rape, or murder or bisexual or timed served in prison?
What about infidelity, deserted parent, children out of wedlock?
If you decide to forgive and move on; truly forgive as the father has forgiven us
He remembers our sins no more
Timing and circumstances will most likely play a role in determining whether someone wants to seek more information concerning a person’s past. If you choose not to let the past be an issue, I agree that forgiveness is needed to move forward, and although we never forget things that have happened, we don’t keep them alive through daily reminders. What if Jesus did that to us, my oh my! God bless you, abundantly, and Heaven smile upon you.
This question is so loaded!!! This is a seminar right here. Not that my own past was horrible but there are some things that I left behind that I don’t want to and will not discuss with no one but God. So, believing that a partner or friend may have the same feelings I would have to consider and respect their decision also. There are so many ways to look at this that it makes me feel safe to be single right now. Who’s ready for the seminar???
I am ready for the seminar! 😊 Who knows, maybe God will bless us to have a workshop on this topic one day. Your perspective gives it another twist. If you feel strongly about not sharing your past, someone else may be the same way, so what happens then to the relationship? I wonder—a lot to consider. I appreciate your input on this matter. Thank you so much for sharing. God bless you, and may His love and mercy cover you through your singleness and beyond if He chooses another pathway for you-Smiles again! 😊 😊
Great question and comments too. Truly there are a plethora of components and situations to look at in the “what to do, if” scenario about decisions relative to someone’s “negative” past issues. But for me, the most important one is, are there still any “soul-ties” with someone else, because one of the most hurting things, I believe, is to be in a relationship with someone that is not fully in it with you because they have not resolved their past “soul ties” in another relationship that they proclaim is over and done with… That to me is a definite “no”… I’ve learned that is a painful state to be in…
My hope is to recognize it, don’t deny it, and be true to oneself that it is what it is,…because, that type of situation can be more than one can bear to get through… Even if they deny it, and you discern that they are in denial, I don’t think one should try to convince them that they are in denial, but, one should just do what you need to do to protect yourself.
To me, bringing “un-disclosed” old soul-ties to a new relationship, in some instances, is an even greater heartbreak than a lot of other things that may be negative past things that happened in one’s life.
But, it’s just my personal thought…No one wants to be with someone that has not gotten over someone else from a past relationship…just sayin’…..
You have added another dimension. It gives us more to think about with this topic. You are so right. No one wants to be second to the past. That is very hurtful and a significant hurdle to overcome. You have expressed some insightful points giving us much to consider. One thing that stands out to me is “denial of the truth,” whatever it is. Thank you so much for your thought-provoking response. God bless you, and may Heaven’s blessings rest upon you.
The past should definitely NOT stay in the past – since it can very well affect your relationship’s future. A lot of people have trauma in their past and if it is not dealt with sufficiently, it can definitely be detrimental to the health of a relationship. I believe that with issues in the past should be dealt with in pre-marital sessions with either a pastor or trained professional. Topics may be hard to discuss and uncomfortable but everything should be out and cleared before moving onto to marriage (which hopefully is the ultimate goal for both parties).
Many great points. Pre-marital counseling should be a must for everyone who is contemplating marriage. An open book going into marriage can help to lessen or maybe even prevent some issues from occurring during the marriage. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this subject. Hopefully, this will shed further light on the topic for the submitter of this question. God bless you and keep you safely in His arms.