I recently wrote a post about giving too much, but let’s talk about doing too much in a relationship. There is a difference. Sometimes I wonder if I did too much in past relationships. I have always been independent and will do something that someone else should be doing when they don’t do it quickly enough. In relationships, this can have a positive and negative effect. Positive impact – May show that I am not a needy person and do not have to rely on others for my needs. The negative implications- May show that maybe I don’t need or desire help with doing certain things- Not good because I do need help sometimes like others. Stop doing so much!
Looking at relationships, you may wonder how much should we want someone to do for us. Do you know women who let their significant other or spouse do just about everything for them? Things that they can do for themselves. In contrast, other significant others or spouses don’t move a finger to do much. I was in conversation with someone recently who said her spouse does absolutely nothing. She has to do it all, and I could hear the weariness in her voice. Stop doing so much!
Sometimes I wanted my spouse to do something, but I took a backseat as he performed tasks for others. Where did it leave me- not happy at all? I didn’t speak up when I should have, and I resented that my tasks went unmet by him. Whose fault? I can answer that question- mine. I can’t just blame my spouse. He said that he felt I didn’t need the help in later conversations because I didn’t say anything and went ahead to complete the task. I should have done what the song says, “Open your mouth and say something.” These instances were not significant events; nevertheless, I wanted help and did not receive it. The solution, stop doing so much!
As a woman, I don’t want to appear needy that is not my nature, but I have learned to allow the one who should be by my side to help make my life more comfortable. My first lady always says that it is nice to have someone to answer the door at night or do other things. We don’t have to do it all. I can learn to wait and allow the one who is by my side to take the lead. Stop doing so much, ladies. Allow men to do more. I believe most men like being the lead, and if they don’t do for you, it will be for someone else. Yes, I can change a battery in the fire alarm compartment, or change a lightbulb, but why should I do it consistently if I have someone by my side?
You don’t want to feel aggravated and weary because you have to do “everything.” A conversation is needed when your help is diminished or almost non-existent. What are your thoughts? Are you in or have been in a situation where your spouse significantly did not help you? You take out the garbage, sweep around the house, change batteries, bulbs, bring in all the groceries you name it. To those that are single and dating, do you take the lead in everything? Do you spend money on things he needs, without any reciprocation? Remember, the patterns formed before marriage don’t go away after the ceremony. Most times, they get worse.
I know many women desire companionship and are willing to go above and beyond to hold on to someone. Consequently, the wrong pattern may form in the relationship. If you are married and feel that you are doing too much, have that conversation with your spouse and let him know your feelings. We don’t have to do everything, ladies. Stop doing so much( especially when it causes you to be unhappy)! But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. 1 Timothy 5:8. I’ll be back next week with a new post, “A Man’s View on Relationships!”
Be encouraged, and God bless!
Sister Jackie
Thank you for sharing this. Wonderful post. It surely made me think of my past relationships. Thank you for such good advise.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this post. I have done a lot of thinking myself and hopefully, just as much learning. May God bless you in incredible ways!
So true…we often defeat ourselves by “trying too hard and doing too much”. Some call it “the disease to please”. You truly wrote this well…plain and simple. Maybe we ought to add a foot-note to ladies that want husbands, that they should be a “little” needy sometimes, i.e., before, during, and after…it has it’s benefits too.
I also have learned that this same type of thing also happens in some of our other type of relationships, in our families, friendships, and even on our jobs. They will just sit back and let you do it all, and if you pull back, they try to make it appear that something is wrong with you, that you somehow changed for the worse. And instead of seeing that you need help too, and are tired of taking care of all the loose ends by yourself, they give you this compliment that “nobody does it as well as you do”, or they just like the way you get things done’…guess that’s why I am not a fan of accolades, for they can just be empty of positive sincerity.
I was taught to never start what you think you might not want to keep up, which took me some years and heart-ache to grasp,…guess I had “the disease to please”. But I also think that if they just sit back and let you do it all, then, that is a “red flag” too. Because, I think that it works both ways.
But even today, this blog post shows me, that I still have room for improvement in this tough area,…because some pleasers truly try to unselfishly please others by taking up the slack for the greater good, BUT, they are NOT trying to be used.
And I’m glad that we don’t just sit back and let things fall apart that NEED to be done just because someone else doesn’t do their part. They have a reward for their part and we do too. So mostly, which is not easy but it gives me peace, I try for my own sanity sake, to take this scriptural approach, for my own peace of mind and heart, less I feel broken, and try to be mindful and choose what “i” do. : “And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ. But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done: and there is no respect of persons.” – Colossians 3:23-25
Thank you for adding those insightful remarks. You brought this topic home! And I agree that “we often defeat ourselves by trying too hard and doing too much.” God bless you, and Heaven smile on you!